Purple Carrot Concentrate

thanksgiving was actually wonderful.
no sarcasm here, and no overstatement. I truly enjoyed my time away from home and with family, for the first time in a long time. I'm not sure yet what to make of that, but then, it was also one of the first times I didn't feel so out of place with them. Which means it's probably something that's changed recently in me, not them.

I'm really starting to enjoy spending time alone with my mother. Never thought I'd see the day, lol X)

I was a good girl for pretty much all of vacation when it came to the diet. My mother even took me shopping on black friday (tho not early enough to worry about crazy people) and I got more warm things. which was nice, because I discovered that I am now lingering in the smallest size that exists in the plus size section XD dude, wtf.
warm sweaters in cold weather are happiness. <3

what confuses me about the whole vacation, however and strangely enough, was the instant headache I acquired once I returned back to Virginia. I'm not sure what to peg it as, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that suddenly wanted to turn right back around and go to where I was happy. I got to relax for the remainder of the weekend and did a great deal of artiness that I'm quite proud of...but there was something missing there that I must have re-discovered elsewhere. Like a feeling that 'home' has been misplaced. The holidays are really getting to me already, i think, and i miss smiling for something other than guilt or condolences. that shouldn't be a plausible reason to smile at all.

After some peaceful sleeping (finally) my nightmares decided I'd had enough of a relief and came back last night in full force. :( not sure what to make of that either, and according to the nice bright red streak across my left eye, I was granted less than three hours of sleep. lovely.
still, getting back to work was a good thing, i think, as it leaves me with less to think about than getting my job done. amazing what that can do for the wandering imagination.

I'm apologizing less for the fanart kick i've been on, but I'll be happier when i can draw whatever the hell i want and not care :3 that's a good goal, right? I REALLY need to get that picture done for my bro x.x good gawd, six years is not a good time to spend on a commission. eep.

i'm not miserable, but i want to laugh more. there's a lot of christmas stuff i need to start doing now that thanksgiving is over, and very soon there will be more festiveness in the apartment. I'm staying hopelessly optimistic to make it through another christmas, especially since thanksgiving ended up so surprisingly enjoyable. ^.^

Last week sucked ass. like, a whole lot of sucking. I can't think of a damn good thing that happened, to be honest.

thankfully, this week has been incredibly passive compared to before (i'll spare you all the details). though it feels like i'm walking around on pins and needles. It's been awhile since I've had to truly try to think and act for myself, and I'm not really sure I remember how. I wish there was an easy way to suddenly switch it off and on, but there isn't, and it's not something i can just ignore so it goes away. All you can do for bruises is wait until they heal...poking and prodding otherwise, you just make the bruise worse.

*breathes*

I'm picking a goal a day and trying very hard to stick with it. I think it will help, regardless of what the goal is so long as it's something I'm picking for myself. Without asking permission, and without waiting for acceptance, I want to attain it.
When did this end up being so hard to do?

Anywho, aside from the brittle feeling I've had, I'm alright.
and no, i'm not going into detail, this is more for me to write things out and get my thoughts together :3
tho i love you all regardless.

dress update:
shoes = definately got. and they're not baby sized! woo!
dress = not got. damnit, i'm so fricken impatient XD if i get everything soon enough, i may wear my costume for AMA >.> hmm...perhaps. if it would only GET HERE. e.e

CRISSY!! SUNSEENLI! *waves arms in air*
cause that was the only way I could get your attention X)
THIS is for you <3 because i should have gotten around to doing this for your birthday, dangit. I'm so neglectful.
sorry if she looks masculine at all, this is the first girl i've drawn in awhile ^^;;; LOVE!

So my mother and I went pants shopping this weekend, cause I needed jeans and the old navy in hagerstown is the only place left with fat chick pants (nuu! >.<)
and i go to try on my size, but no dice. fits everywhere but the legs, gawdamnit. so i'm pissed and tell mom that I've been doing DDR everydamn day, wth rar!
so she looks at me, surprised that i was doing it everyday for one thing, then very plainly states "well, there's your problem. muscle weighs more than fat, you're probably building muscle in your legs, which makes them bigger."

-.-''
well now THAT totally makes me wanna exersize.
guh.
thighs of steel, apparently, do not fit in human clothing. superheros beware.

-humorously annoyed

this is me keeping my spirits up. one hour at a time.