journaling for journaling sake

[oatmeal_queen]

most people don't consider anxiety to be something that should be concerned over.
they don't think of it as life threatening, or severe, because it's all in your head, right? stress is not a broken bone, its not an ailing heart, and its not terminal. it can easily be taken lightly because there's no hemorrhaging involved. no visible bruising or scarring. all it takes is a strong will to just deal with it.
if you can't?
you're obviously not strong enough.


my doctor told me today that my stress and anxiety level is at an all-time high, and that i'm taking years off my life. (not sure how that works, but whatever). she said that unless i remove myself from it now, everything's going to get much worse very soon and i'm going to meltdown. i haven't slept well in weeks without some kind of sleep aid to knock me out, and it's starting to show. i'm twitching, can't keep a pencil still, and can't focus on a damn thing without freaking the fuck out. i'm having problems with being touched. she talked me through the first non-private panic attack i've had in awhile, and we worked futher on pinpointing the problem.
the solution, on the other hand, isn't so easy to find.

so i left afterward, and promptly sat in my car in tears cause i didn't know what to do.
i tried to call my little brother, but i couldn't get myself to pick up the damn phone. i've -never- had a problem calling him, of all people. that somehow just made it worse.

i'm so ashamed of this. i really am.
everytime i think of what i can do to fix myself, to stop this from getting worse, the other end of the equation is bad. the doctor basically said that i could either keep hurting me, or hurt others instead.
how the HELL are you supposed to decide something like that?

there was only one person here when i got home, but that seemed to be all i needed. she mentioned that it could be worse, that i had gone through worse. i'd gone through hell before and made it out the other side and i knew it, but all she did was mention dad and i just lost it completely. i'm so tired of trying to be strong and it's wearing a hole in me because i won't let anyone else take the burden. i can't.

somehow though, even after crying my goddamn eyes out and spilling my guts to an otherwise unprompted audience, i wasn't left with what i thought i would be. i felt better, even.
i love my friends, and i've been treating them like garbage just because i can't deal with it all myself. it's not fair, yet they're still here. and really, that's all i need.

i don't have a solution yet, not really, but i can't keep this up. i'm not ok, and this continues to cycle through better and worse days of the same thing that isn't getting the attention it needs. i'm waiting for the decision to be made for me and that's not going to happen.
i have to keep going to work and i have to keep my head on my shoulders if i'm going to get anywhere and continue to get paid to live. priorities first.
everything else? gawd. this is the reason for the problem in the first place.

on the plus side, the doctor decreed that i was essentially normal. heh. i looked at her funny until she followed it up with 'and i have a degree that allows me to make that a professional opinion'
lol, i like her. i think i'd say the same damn thing if i could.

thanks for making me laugh tonight guys, everyone who went out of their way to do so. <3
i've just gotta figure out what the hell to do next.

Comments

[authoressnebula.livejournal.com]

I think you've already taken the best step: acknowledging that you have stress and anxiety like this, and that you're willing to tell others about it.

You shouldn't have to deal with this all by yourself; that can't be helping you at all. Rant here about things if you need to; god knows that's what I use my f-list for. A sounding board. And I generally feel so much better after I do, like you said.

There are gonna be better days and worse days. I was a worry-aholic, stressing myself out to the point of being physically sick. You know that tiny BJD you saw pictures of? She was a goal, or a "bribe" lol. My mom told me that if I was able to keep my stressing down this past semester at school, with EVERYTHING (not just college) then I could have my little doll. And I did it.

Maybe if you give yourself a goal...? Each person is different, but the main thing I wanted to give you was hope. I was badly stressing, crying every week multiple times, making myself sick...and I've come out the other side, maanged to tell myself which things are worth my time worrying about and which ones I can forget about. If I can do it, I know you can. You're a wonderful woman. And I know I'm not the only one who thinks so.

~Jean (Nebula)